Best Facebook status ever

I finally found a diet plan that works. It’s called “The cost of food”.

I wish mirrors and pictures would get together already and agree on what I really look like.

If you can’t say anything nice, we should probably be friends.

That awkward run/walk you do when a car lets you cross the street.

I hate when people spell your name wrong on Facebook. I mean it’s RIGHT there!

So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking shit about them.

If I let you control the music in my car, it means I would probably take a bullet for you.

When you start to hate someone, everything they do begins to annoy you… Them: *Cough* You: “OOOOHHH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDD “

*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out of you! Knees to chest bitch, KNEES TO CHEST!

It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.

I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of shit, I want you to as well.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you do find one what’ s the plan?

Things not to say when pulled over – It was yellow when I went through the light – it was red when you went through the light, Officer.

The quietest people have the loudest minds.

I would tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

I just wanna be rich enough to have Morgan Freeman read me bedtime stories.

This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…

I’m a leader. Not a follower. Unless it’s a dark place, then f*ck that shit you’re going first.

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.

Via funnystatus.com